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  • Hey all, just changed over the backend after 15 years I figured time to give it a bit of an update, its probably gonna be a bit weird for most of you and i am sure there is a few bugs to work out but it should kinda work the same as before... hopefully :)

Film Set Jokes

Shawn Booth

Shawn Booth

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Love 'em.

Here's a couple.

Why was the dolly invented? A. To teach grips how to walk upright.

Why don't DP's smoke? A. Because it takes them 6 hours to light it.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? A. "It's a globe!"
Art Dept.? A. "Does it have to a light bulb cause I have this really nice..."
Grips? A. 1 to hold the fixture and 1 to swing the hammer.
AC's? A. "Not my dept."

How can you spot a teamster's kid on the playground? His is the only one off to the side watching the other kids play.
 
How many DP's does it take to change a light bulb?
-One, they just hold up the bulb and the world revolves around them.


How can you tell when the generator truck is level?
-The drool runs out of both sides of the genny op's mouth.


Two producers are sitting on a park bench. A beautiful girl walks buy. The first producer says "Man, I'd like to screw her". The other producer says "Outta what?"


How can you tell when a producer is lying?
-His lips move.


What does an AD use for birth control?
-His personality.
 
A producer, a director and a writer are stranded on a island, wandering the beach. They come across a genie lamp.
Their three wishes:

The writer - I wish I was back at the Beverly Hills Hotel pool deck surrounded by naked women.
POOF! He's gone.

The director - Yeah, that sounds good. Let's go with that.
POOF! He's gone.

The producer paces the coastline, up and down the beach. Finally:

"I want those two frakkers here right frakking now!"
 
Shawn Booth said:
A producer, a director and a writer are stranded on a island, wandering the beach. They come across a genie lamp.
Their three wishes:

The writer - I wish I was back at the Beverly Hills Hotel pool deck surrounded by naked women.
POOF! He's gone.

The director - Yeah, that sounds good. Let's go with that.
POOF! He's gone.

The producer paces the coastline, up and down the beach. Finally:

"I want those two frakkers here right frakking now!"
Click to expand...

Good one! :)
 
Q: Why do sound guys only count to 2? (testing, 1, 2, 1, 2...)

A: Because you lift on 3....
 
In the beginning God created the DP.
God saw the DP and said he was good.
The DP saw God and said: "Turn your head, I´d rather have it back-lit."
God said:"But I am God!"
The DP said:"I don’t care who you are. Front-lighting is no good."
And God turned his head
 
The Official Hollywood Production Calendar
This is a special calendar for handling Hollywood production work. But it can easily be alterated for use on productions around the globe.


Neg Fri Fri Fri Jud Wed Tue
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33


1. All rush shots are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a shot can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Most shots are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.

3. A handy "Judgement Day" has been added right after the three Fridays, as an extra incentive to assure the work WILL be deliverd THAT Friday.

4. There are five new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs and added shots.

5. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic shots.

6. Monday morning hangovers are abolished all together with the removal of non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

7. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

8. We encourage all producers to move payday to Monday.


i wish these were mine but they came from here http://www.martweiss.com/film/crewjokes.shtml

i've finished rendering so i am back to work.............
 
CrewPix.com said:
How many DP's does it take to change a light bulb?
-One, they just hold up the bulb and the world revolves around them.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry Crewpix you're wrong it takes one....NO! ...Wait a minute, how many do we have on the truck?
 
How tall is a sound recordist?
-I don’t know either. I’ve never seen one standing up.

What do sound man’s children do for fun?
-Watch other children play.

How can you tell when a teamster is dead?
-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ?
-”Don’t do anything ’till I come back.”

What’s the difference between a producer and a coconut?
-You can get a drink out of a coconut.

How can you tell that a producer is lying?
-He opens his mouth.

What is the difference between a DP and God?
-God doesn’t think he’s a DP

How do you get the attention of four aspiring actors?
-”Waiter!”



EDIT: Link works again

 For more, see here: http://modifoo.com/category/film/crew-jokes/page/8
 
So... two grips are standing at the gates to heaven and are about to be ushered in by ol' St. Pete when a gruff guy with light meters on his belt busts past them into heaven.

Grip 1: Man even here! all my life I've been cut in front of by DPs in the lunch line.

Grip 2: Tell me about it, hey St. Peter, who is that DP anyway?

St. Peter: Oh, that's not a DP that's god, he just thinks he's a DP!
 
Three hot female extras are on set.

The first one says, "I am gonna fuck the Director. If I fuck him, he can get me bigger parts, and my acting career will take off."

The second one says, "I am gonna fuck the DP. If I fuck him, he will light me so beautifully that I will look so good, my career will take off."

The third says, "I am gonna fuck the sound guy."

The other two say, "Why?"

She says, "Cuz everyone is always saying, 'fuck the sound guy'."
 
How can you tell the difference between a grip and an electrician?

The electricians take the dishes out of the sink before they pee in it.
 
How many___ does it take to change a light bulb?

Account Executive: "What do you think?"
Art Director: "Does it have to be a light bulb?"
Writer: "I'm not changing a damn thing!"
Producer: "A light bulb is not in the budget!"
Teamster: "Four; you got a problem with that?"

Good shooting and best regards,

Leo
 
skipdivils said:
Three hot female extras are on set.

The first one says, "I am gonna fuck the Director. If I fuck him, he can get me bigger parts, and my acting career will take off."

The second one says, "I am gonna fuck the DP. If I fuck him, he will light me so beautifully that I will look so good, my career will take off."

The third says, "I am gonna fuck the sound guy."

The other two say, "Why?"

She says, "Cuz everyone is always saying, 'fuck the sound guy'."
Click to expand...

This must be the best one so far... :) :) :)
 
How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one more for safety, guys, I promise!
 
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