Digital Desert -- Shortfilm (Script feedback)

[Erik Franzén]

Oh hey, look what we have here -- yet another screenwriter who can't write for shit! What an amazing find! Shall we?
As you have gathered, I've been writing on a short script which I am also directing. I feel the script is pretty much done but also thought it might be a great idea to let someone else butcher the piece first (since it's bound to be riddled with problems I just can't see, forest for the trees and all that:nopity.
So, without further ado, here is some info and the attached script:
Tagline: [FONT=Adobe Fangsong Std R, serif]"In the void, two destinies connect. . ."[/FONT]
Genre:Drama

Synopsis:
​

"Logicprogrammers.

That's what people called them. They created the most brilliantly conceived network in the world, a virtual playground where everyone was equal – something that was desperately needed in humanity's ever changing and difficult lifestyle. Dark is a logicprogrammer. He is also a nobody.

Dark has become disconnected from the network. In the mundane life that he surrounds himself in, Sarah exists. What is she? A person? Program? Sarah insists she is a person and that Dark must return with her to the network.
But Dark refuses to acknowledge her beyond anything more than a happy coincidence of the network's programming. Thrilling, humorous and dark events are to be expected as two destinies connect..."
​

Shooting goes off in a week, so be sure to read it! Let the butchering commence! :gun::devil:
Wish me luck! ... :nads:

(P.S. HERE is the DVXUser copy-cat thread. Why two you say? Well, because there are two wildly different audiences present on these two forums and I want opinions from both. If mods think this is somehow, well, let's just say 'inappropriate' -- then by all means, close me down. 'Till then, I'll enjoy the show :emote_hippie
P.P.S: The .pdf version of the script can only be found on DVXUser, as REDUser won't let me upload my hideously big PDF file apparently :frown2:

 

[Elsie N]

Nicely done... tried to think how I would have changed it but the way it was written, I think I would just leave it as is. Good luck.

 

[Harva Raj]

looks good on paper. needs good music or some sort of vfx to get the emotion around.

 

[Erik Franzén]

Nicely done... tried to think how I would have changed it but the way it was written, I think I would just leave it as is. Good luck.

Thanks a lot! Yeah, I sort of sat and pondered what I would've changed but I couldn't find anything that stood out as being sloppy, incoherent or not fitting with the theme. But then again, I wrote the damn thing! Of course I wouldn't notice, which is why I posted here -- and it's reassuring hearing it from someone else! :thumbsup:

looks good on paper. needs good music or some sort of vfx to get the emotion around.

Funny you should mention that. The whole point of this project was to test out the basics in everything (cinematography, lighting, et al). One of the reasons why I choose to do it like that was because I am actually (originally, if that is the word) a writer turned programmer who eventually tired and got into visual effects before, somehow, finally turning back to writing with some directing in has backpack. So, I think the VFX will be mostly figured -- biggest problem will be music, but I think I got a string or two to pull is push comes to shove.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! Really appreciate it guys! :beer:

EDIT: If anyone else wants to chime in, now would be a good time... :Angel_anim:*hint hint*

 

[Joel Kaye]

The synopsis is kinda interesting but I don't get much of that from the script. I get a depressed boy wallowing in his own sorrow and I have no reason to root for him to overcome it.

I just don't get it. Dark seems to be conjuring Sarah up in the first scene but when she arrives he ignores her. Is that what's happening? If so, why does he ignore her? Is that really how you'd react to something you just willed into existence? Or programmed up?

If his actions have nothing to do with her and she's not propelling the story forward then what's the scene even there for?

What does this kid desperately want more than anything? Show me him trying to get that and then have that go horribly wrong and I think you've got the same story but way more interesting to watch. Wouldn't it be more interesting to see this guy going from hopeful to disillusioned. Or from disillusioned to suicidal? Or from suicidal to in love?

Try writing it without VO or dialogue. That'll strengthen your visual storytelling. Flashbacks and VO's... man those are really last resorts when nothing else can tell the story. And in your Flashback how can I possibly know we're looking into the past as opposed to whatever is causing the image distortion? Is the image distortion a technology thing in the story or is it a filmmaking trick to show me we've flashed back? How far do 18 year olds flash back and still look the same age? Is there anything that tells me I'm looking into the past?

I could probably go line for line for two hours. Really. Here's my question - what is the audience supposed to be FEELING as they watch? I should probably have 10 different emotions as a viewer over 5 minutes (or however long this times out). Just cause a character is sad doesn't mean a viewer is. Ya know?

If the audience doesn't feel anything than you're doing this for your own gratification. And that's fine if it's your own money and time. But I know you're not doing that because you posted here for feedback.

Check out the book "Writing For Emotional Impact" and think about how to use ideas there to create emotions for your audience while they watch your show.

Good Luck!

(BTW, I read and critique a lot of non pro scripts... yours is about average in my view. Not better, not worse.)

 

[Elsie N]

Joel, very in depth critique, and way over my head. For me personally, it was about how guys become overcome with guilt and delete their porn. (And wishing later they hadn't)

You know, an Everyman's tale.

 

[Harva Raj]

don't write what you can't shoot.

 

[Gavin Greenwalt]

I don't get it. Is Sarah or is not Sarah a program? If she wasn't a program why was he deleting her. If she is a program why isn't he surprised to see her in real life at the end? If she is a program that he loves and a real person he loves, why does he have a program? If she is a program that he loves and a real person who doesn't love him back, why does she live with him? I feel like I'm missing something important. Is Dark a program too? Wait. No I get it on a second reading. The apartment is still in VR world.

Some random comments:

DARK (V.O.)
Jumping. The tech...

Jumping the blah blah balh... nix it. Your audience will get it. The world changed. It's VR or Magic. What it's called is irrelevant.

SARAH
Well, you always had a way of
disappearing anytime I tried to.

Seems wordy. Something like "And have you disappear on me again?" would be far more concise and conversational.

Following this I find it odd that he laughs. Because there is nothing to stop him from disappearing on her *now*. You could shift this scene from being a whiner and a nag into something relate-able with a little more connection here. There is a reason he hasn't jumped yet. He wants to be with her. The point of the scene seems to be establish their relationship as human and program and what that is like. It's the premise of your story. I don't feel like I know why he hasn't jumped. I don't feel like I know why he should care about her. And if he doesn't care I don't care unless she makes a defense of herself in which case I'll take her side for him being an inconsiderate ass.

I don't feel like there is a debate going on. I hear whining but no fighting. "You aren't real." "You hurt my feelings." "I don't like being toyed with." "I don't like being belittled." Those are all fine observations for the characters but it's not fighting it's emotional exposition.

What's the real issue? The real issue is he's in love with her but he doesn't think a program is lovable. Some sort of retort on her part I think would go a lot further in getting the audience to relate to her plight. She has to fight for her right to be worthy of his love and our sympathy.

"What do you want from me?" "To stop denying what I am!"
"You're just bits and bytes!" "And in here what makes us so different?! What makes you so special?"
"Special? What makes me special? Let's start with the fact that I'm real 'Human Being'" "Well you're acting like a glowing example of your species."
"Why am I am I even, I don't know why I'm even wasting my time, I don't have to blah blah yadda yadda" *proverbial slam of VR door*.

*dark kicks a kitten*

Back to VR world.

Why is Dark back in VR world? Why is he explaining himself to a machine? Is he doing it for her? Does he expect her to understand anything? If he expects her to understand him at a conscious/admitted level then he won't be deleting her. If he doesn't expect her to understand him because she's just a program or machine then it seems like he should either be more rational and condescending to her as if she were a child you were explaining a divorce to or almost like a monologue to a family pet you have to put down. "I don't expect you to understand, you're just a program, but I felt I needed to say goodbye anyway for some reason." or else just dismissive, just talking to himself and almost pretending she isn't there. Either way Sarah would be pretty much ignored and beating on the proverbial car window as he ignores her suffering.

In the present scene I feel like he's there because his teacher told him he had to be. And she's there in case he changes his mind. But again there is no struggle or conflict. It's just more emotional exposition. There is still no relationship between the two. No bargaining. No fighting.

The "I'm talking to a computer program" bit at the end seems to be the encapsulation of Dark's position. He might as well be saying "I'm talking to myself." But the conversation doesn't sound like that. It sounds like he's talking to a person.

How would you feel if someone didn't think you existed and was about to kill you or leave you and you loved them? You wouldn't take it sitting down. You would be trying to twist everything they say to change their mind.

I read this as the story between an imaginary friend who's about to get killed. Only in this case the imaginary friend is a real person and they're just deceived into believing reality is an illusion. But there is no suspense. No tension. No effort at persuasion to change their mind. No appeal to their humanity or reason or emotion. "Even if I were just a figment of your imagination, would that be so bad? What would be wrong with that?"

COMPUTER VOICE
89 percent of data deletion
complete.

Does it read off every percentage? That would be REALLY annoying if it was a real app. How about a round number like 90%. I might believe a program audibly reads off every 10%.

DARK
(Whisper.)
I'm sorry, Sarah.

But Dark doesn't think she's anything more than a program right? Shouldn't he be trying to reinforce that message in his head that he didn't delete sarah, she wasn't real, he just deleted a program. It seems like "It was just code." would be a more timely. He's trying to convince himself even if "i'm sorry" is what he's feeling. He's a logical creature, a programmer, who is trying to logic his way out of pain by explaining away what he's feeling as empty and meaningless. The contrast between what he's saying and how he's acting is where we'll as the audience connect. Because we'll see through his self deception, no matter what words are coming out of his mouth.

DARK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It's not what I am looking for.
That hunger still lingers.
Understanding it might be
impossible. But dark as I may
perceive life, I think that with
someone who understands your burden
-- you can survive. And maybe, just
maybe, someday - you will have your
answer.

Seems like this is tacked on because the last scene didn't get the same message across in the last scene.

This is a break-up story.

They just fought for 3 minutes. He said she meant nothing to him. He said she wasn't human. She was a soul-less bitch, that she took him for granted, that she was a robot. These aren't unique to VR world. I feel like you're too VR centric. VR is the metaphor for a normal bad break-up but you have to help your audience out. Help them get that message. I think most people can identify with trying to rationalize away a painful breakup where you've lost faith in someone. In the end they get back together. You don't have to explicitly tell us why. We totally get it. You're in love with someone. You dehumanize and rationalize them away but you're still in love and somehow, who knows how, find yourselves back together. Even if you burn all their shit in a bonfire out back and throw away everything that reminds you of them, they still are out there.

Don't beat our head over it. It's simple. He goes back into VR. She's still there even though he deleted everything. Logically the audience concludes she's more than just a program/she's real even if she's a program and therefore you 'can't delete a soul' or some metaphysical mumbo jumob. She mirrors his body position. He puts his head on her shoulder and by emotional/logical connection we all understand that he is done fighting it, he loves her and he can't get rid of her even if he wanted to so they're going to be together. Maybe she is fake. Maybe she feels nothing and is just a program. But he doesn't care. He loves her. She makes him feel complete that's all that he cares about. We get all that through him putting his head on her shoulder I don't need a sermon at the end or a flashback. I get it. don't beat it over my head.


I think you've got a really amazing concept. I think the heart behind it is well placed. I just didn't see it in its present incarnation. I feel like you need to get back to heart of each scene. What the story is *ABOUT* not what's happening and make sure the relationship, the "fight" and the goals of everyone are better fleshed out. I think it would be unfortunate to have to go through all the trouble and effort of shooting it without spending enough time on the screenplay in order to be worth all the trouble and heartache.

 

[Joel Kaye]

What the story is *ABOUT* not what's happening and make sure the relationship, the "fight" and the goals of everyone are better fleshed out. I think it would be unfortunate to have to go through all the trouble and effort of shooting it without spending enough time on the screenplay in order to be worth all the trouble and heartache.

Great review Gavin. I think this final bit is the core problem. What do each of these characters want and what are they doing to get it? And does one person lose if the other person gets what they want? That could be fun to watch.

I agree with really working on the script to the Nth degree before you shoot. Shooting and posting are so time consuming and painful by comparison to banging on the script some more.

 

[Elsie N]

I feel the script is pretty much done but also thought it might be a great idea to let someone else butcher the piece first (since it's bound to be riddled with problems I just can't see, forest for the trees and all that).

Erik, Gavin and Joel raised some interesting points. Just wondering if an alternate ending might not address those, if in fact you want the audience to have some sort of closure. The change that might clear up any and all confusion would be to have Dark pull out an engagement ring after the program is finished being deleted and after looking at it long and hard, texting his girlfriend (named something other than Sarah) and write that he needs to see her tonight. That he wants to ask her a very important question.

And just leave it there.

Just a thought... FWIW.

 

[Erik Franzén]

Digital Desert -- Feedback Response! (Part 1)

Digital Desert -- Feedback Response! (Part 1)

Woah! First of all, thanks for all the additional feedback! Love it!
Now, for all your indepth criticism let me try to give you as indepth responses as possible (no defenses or cover-ups will be made, promise :thumbsup.
Prepare for the wall of text! :emote_22_yikes:

Erik, Gavin and Joel raised some interesting points. Just wondering if an alternate ending might not address those, if in fact you want the audience to have some sort of closure. The change that might clear up any and all confusion would be to have Dark pull out an engagement ring after the program is finished being deleted and after looking at it long and hard, texting his girlfriend (named something other than Sarah) and write that he needs to see her tonight. That he wants to ask her a very important question.

And just leave it there.

Just a thought... FWIW.

Yep. Point taken. Your ideas are most (warmly) welcome :cheers2:

The synopsis is kinda interesting but I don't get much of that from the script. I get a depressed boy wallowing in his own sorrow and I have no reason to root for him to overcome it.

Thanks for the honesty. I can see how that is a major obstacle. I think this is where I went overboard; I tried so hard to show a guy in pain that filled the hole with cold logic that I made the whole script dehumanized.

I just don't get it. Dark seems to be conjuring Sarah up in the first scene but when she arrives he ignores her. Is that what's happening? If so, why does he ignore her? Is that really how you'd react to something you just willed into existence? Or programmed up?

Misconception. Sarah actually enters by her own will. Again, this should have been clearer. In fact, scrap the whole entry scene -- it was flawed from day one.

If his actions have nothing to do with her and she's not propelling the story forward then what's the scene even there for?

His actions (or lack thereof) creates anger in her. Why? Well, that's simple; she hates apathy and all it stands for. So, in essence, he stands for all she hates. She has trouble reconciling herself with that fact.

What does this kid desperately want more than anything? Show me him trying to get that and then have that go horribly wrong and I think you've got the same story but way more interesting to watch. Wouldn't it be more interesting to see this guy going from hopeful to disillusioned. Or from disillusioned to suicidal? Or from suicidal to in love?

He wants to be together with her. She wants to be together with him. Problem? She, according to him, is a program - he can't reconcile that little fact with his mind, although his heart is fine with it. His negligence causes her no-end of frustration and thus we have our conflict. I agree though that clearly his human side is a little daft in the current draft and mostly seems like an inhuman whiner who keeps this program around for fun.

Try writing it without VO or dialogue. That'll strengthen your visual storytelling. Flashbacks and VO's... man those are really last resorts when nothing else can tell the story. And in your Flashback how can I possibly know we're looking into the past as opposed to whatever is causing the image distortion? Is the image distortion a technology thing in the story or is it a filmmaking trick to show me we've flashed back? How far do 18 year olds flash back and still look the same age? Is there anything that tells me I'm looking into the past?

My bad. Consider the flashbacks thrownout -- that was a bad case of "cool scenery" I really ought not to have fallen for! :frown2:

I could probably go line for line for two hours. Really. Here's my question - what is the audience supposed to be FEELING as they watch? I should probably have 10 different emotions as a viewer over 5 minutes (or however long this times out). Just cause a character is sad doesn't mean a viewer is. Ya know?

No, definitely not. The characters have to carry out the emotions to the audience. I clearly haven't been anywhere near spot-on when it comes to that. The primary emotion that flows from the script was supposed to be a guy that went from being a guy who his clearly has issues with society in general and Sarah in particular to someone who has reconciled himself with the idea of a technological advanced society (and all that comes with that) and the fact that whether she is a program or not, he loves her, and that he cannot change that fact and is no longer willing to.

If the audience doesn't feel anything than you're doing this for your own gratification. And that's fine if it's your own money and time. But I know you're not doing that because you posted here for feedback.

Exactly. Which is why I am more than happy that you took the time -- even on a sub-par script! So, thanks again! I won't let this get spoiled away!

Check out the book "Writing For Emotional Impact" and think about how to use ideas there to create emotions for your audience while they watch your show.

Will do.

Good Luck!

(BTW, I read and critique a lot of non pro scripts... yours is about average in my view. Not better, not worse.)

Thanks a lot for everything! Really mean it, you've been a great help! :beer:

As for the script in more general terms. Well, here is the deal.

There was an original idea of having Sarah being a human but having Dark (now the name has been changed, but for continuity lets keep calling him that) dehumanize her in every possible way in order to further his selfish goal of avoiding the conflicting emotions rattling within him. His character is built in a very logical manner and he doesn't wish to get boggled deeply down in this story - it bothers him because he perceives her as a program, and engaging in a relationship with a program seems wrong for him in more than one way.

For one, his father was the creator of the network itself and that has lead Dark to despise the very thing - despite being a programmer himself. His feelings come from a sense of having to lay blame on something tangible for what he perceives as being the reason why he has lost the social connections and human interaction enjoyed in previous centuries. Hell, that makes him perceive his father as the man directly responsible for his predicament!

Two, he programmed the so-called "escorts" that now sprawl the network. Sarah is one such person. The very thought of a program that, in his perception, amounts to something akin to a prostitute - a fancy one, but still a prostitute - could eventually be something he would be interested in partnering with seems irrational to him to say the least.

Three, despite being relatively old and mature his social interactions are null and void. He maintains no connections with any friends, long since having lost interest. No family to speak off and living in an isolated pre-Network area with only rudimentary tools to carry out his programming job (which he does at home) -- he essentially is completely cut off in every way. This creates a deeply, almost disturbingly, emotional unstability that - if touched - could collapse completely. Knowing that, he wishes to have no part in a relationship with someone he considers to be the closest thing to him in his entire life. Understand this clearly, his life is hers. Without her, he goes back to being void.

That is one of the points I pushed to hard in the second draft. I understand now that if we don't see his life with her before we see it without her then we don't really get how important she is or why she even meant anything to him to being with!

Now, as far as the ending goes, I see many options after having heard the various ideas from you folks. One option is to have Sarah be an actual human being and end the story happily, with them getting together or implications that they do.
Another is to have Sarah be a program and a human (thanks Elsie for the inspiration!) and conclude that the program was a manifested "fantasy" of sorts that he eventually failed to maintained once he realized how important the real Sarah was to him. At this point, he offers her his hand.
Then there is of course the many others which range from sad to mysterious to plain fucked up. Let the imagination run free! (or thereabouts).
​

Whew! That's it for the first round folks. I'll be getting to Gavin's HUGE post (thank you Gavin! :lol in a second. Just need to catch my breath a little and get a glass or two!:emote_happyhappy:
Oh, and finally: the name "Digital Desert" is derived from a two-fold thoughtprocess. One, Dark lives in what is essentially a desert when it comes to digital technology - an old city that has only 'rudimentary' technology that is available from 21st century. Two, his perception of life has been colored to perceive the digitalization (is there even such a word?) of the world A Bad Thing. This makes him think that everything around him is a giant desert - with a few spots of water filled with human life here and there. No connectivity. No real interaction on a meaningful level. In short, his ultimate nightmare. And thus, 'Digital Desert' was born.

 

[J. P. Sendall]

Ok, I'm going to bang my drum a bit before I comment. I used to work in script development so I'm approaching from...what shall I say... a very jaded position. Script readers are your worst enemy, mate. I can't tell you how many times I rejected a whole feature script based on the FIRST PAGE!! Horrible I know but true and sometimes I would glance at some of the other pages just in case I missed a trick. I don't think I did. I hope so anyway.

Right, your story. Short films are a funny beast and sometimes they can follow feature rules and often they don't, sometimes successfully. A short can just generate a mood, feeling, a pain of recognition or just make us laugh (actually a small laugh in even the shortest script can help a serious point being made). Some shorts follow the well trodden path of beginning middle and end. I think yours as yet do neither (god you're going to hate me but just read the rest before you knock on my door). I say 'yet' because there is a morsel of something in there that interests me. But first decide what you are doing. Is this a mood piece or is it 'story'?

If it's mood then that comes in the crafting, the music and so on. I don't go for those so much but they can work. So let's look at the story since that is where I think it's lacking. First off I don't understand the ending. He's deleted her, then she's back. Is his deleting a failure, a fake deleting, or is the programme stronger than him, or is she real etc etc? Other people have commented so nothing to add there. But I would say this. There has got to be a moral dilemma in which the hero has to make a seemingly impossible choice. What this choice might be has to be hinted at strongly in the first couple of pages if not the first page. It is a question that must occur in every person who is watching the film or reading the script. And you must answer the question by the end. Make the moral dilemma clear, then muddy the waters, then make it clear again after he has made his choice and acts. Suspense in how he resolves the impossible choice, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't, and then 'damn I didn't think he was going to do that!'

So, perhaps an example. He is kind of addicted to this virtual girl, so what is exactly at stake if he deletes her? He's upset a bit. Hmmm, not quite the suspense I was looking for. Ok, attach something really bad to the deletion, in other words attach something of value that is positive to the deletion. Like for instance the virtual girl, as well as the source of his addiction just also happens to be a great mother to his daughter. So you see there are virtues attached to the stakes. But wait a minute I still don't feel the negative aspects are great enough yet to make him really consider deleting his daughters source of security and his source of addiction. So ask yourself how is his addiction also helping to make his daughters life worse. See, now you are beginning to have two moral positions that seem incompatible BUT he has to solve it. The audience is dying to know if he is willing to risk his own daughters happiness to cure his own addiction. Real moral dilemma, no?

Only one thing I would add. It is going to give your audience no end of pleasure if he solves it AND you open up another door previously unseen. Example, he does decide to delete the love interest and his daughter is very upset. Ok, fine. The audience will debate in their heads and with each other if this was right or wrong. But then comes the killer final scene. He deletes the daughter. And if your really brave...he deletes himself.

Ciao!

 

[Erik Franzén]

I see your point and it's well taken. However, although I love your daughter-father-mother idea, it's simply not feasible given all our current restraints in both monetary terms and in how it looks over here (that every god damn child actor/actress is contracted to some bloody agent who thinks every film is a super well paid feature film). I'll ponder on creating a moral dilemma somewhat more (I find it quite a bit amazing that you mentioned it, since this one of the few scripts I've written which didn't include some sort of moral dilemma - and here I was thinking that was a good thing ut.

Working on a new draft, I'll come around and hand it out as soon as I cross all the points of the list (don't want you to read the same sub-par script twice ey?).

 

[J. P. Sendall]

I see your point and it's well taken. However, although I love your daughter-father-mother idea, it's simply not feasible given all our current restraints in both monetary terms and in how it looks over here (that every god damn child actor/actress is contracted to some bloody agent who thinks every film is a super well paid feature film). I'll ponder on creating a moral dilemma somewhat more (I find it quite a bit amazing that you mentioned it, since this one of the few scripts I've written which didn't include some sort of moral dilemma - and here I was thinking that was a good thing ut.

Working on a new draft, I'll come around and hand it out as soon as I cross all the points of the list (don't want you to read the same sub-par script twice ey?).

I wasn't saying this was actually what you should write just that it needs that sort of balancing act to get an audience involved emotionally much more. If there is no moral dilemma then I'm not sure I see the point, apart from the pure mood piece that you might be going for.

 

[Elsie N]

Erik, Was just reading this http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2010-05/iuso-vha051310.php and your script came to mind. Thought it might give you a scientist's perspective to enhance your dramatic one.

 

[Elsie N]

Erik, more.

You are getting a lot of information to sift through. All of it good from the context it is given. But when I initially read your script, I sort of intuitively got it. You wrote it well enough that I could visualize what was going on. It left me without a clear cut understanding, but sometimes a "Rosebud" moment that leaves the audience wondering is a good thing. Personally I needed a delineation between the real and virtual world but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of viewers out there who would connect totally with what you were telling.

Maybe your script doesn't follow all the normal conventions of writing. I wouldn't know because I am not conventional.

There has been good advice offered, but in the end, it is up to you to decide which to follow and what to disregard... because you have a sense who you are trying to reach and therefore, better understand what makes THEM reachable.

g'luck